Thursday, June 22, 2006

Last post...


I've decided that this blog doesn't really fit my life anymore. I've tried to fit it in, but it hasn't worked. This was the best thing for me while I was dealing with the emotions of infertility. But now? I feel like I need to move on. I may open a new blog, but I prefer to stay anonymous, so I won't be linking it to here. If I did start another blog, it would be one that all can see... family, friends, etc.

Thank you for coming along on this adventure with me. It was amazing to have a place I could talk about anything and everything and feel safe.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Oh man, we're really going to have a baby

Okay, so there's much disagreement as to when you are out of the first trimester and "out of the woods" (sort of). Some say 12 weeks, some say 13, I've seen 13 1/2 weeks, I've seen 14.

Whatever, lets take the average and say 13 weeks, k? k.

So, yeah, I'm 13 weeks 2 days (but who's counting?). So according to MY calculations, I'm out of the first trimester. Which simulatneously elates and terrifies me.

I'm elated because now? I no longer have "morning" sickness, my energy is (slowly) coming back and I'm starting to show. And because my miscarriage rate plummets.

I'm terrified because... ohmygodI'mgoingtohaveababy! Yes, I should have realized this before, and yes this baby was very planned and very wanted (still is) but until this past week or so, I didn't really let myself think past that day. Was it a zen state of mind? Or just self-protection in case the worst happened? I don't know. But now? Now I'm thinking about those itty bitty diapers, the crying fests at 3am, the fact that when Ciabatta gets sick, they are going to come to me! ME! Not to mention the way pregnancy has a way of ravaging your body to leave it completely different than it was before. I miss my waist already.

The mix of feelings; I just don't know what to do with it. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the hormones. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited about this baby, about meeting him or her and finding out what kind of a person they are. December can't get here fast enough. But man... its kinda scary too, you know?

And wonderful... and freaky... and exciting... and miraculous...

No wonder pregnant women cry all the time. Its hard enough just putting into words how you feel.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Love is different....

There's this really awesome Caedmon's Call song called "Love is Different."

'Cause love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Love is different than you think

I couldn't agree more... Love continually surprises me. The depth to which we can love someone else. At our wedding, our pastor said something that has stood out in my mind -- He said that at this very moment, you guys think that you love each other as much as you possibly can. You you don't. As the years go by, you'll find that you love each other more than you could imagine.

He was right.

But as we've been together longer (3 years next month) I've realized some things about love.

Love is:
* Holding someone's hair when they are puking their guts out.
* Putting someone elses needs above your own.
* Looking into someone's eyes and though you realize there'll be hard times, choosing to love them anyway.
* Commitment.
* Letting someone else make the decision sometimes.
* Going to get KFC, even though you hate it, because the other person wants it.
* Fighting because you are bothered by the fact that the other person is hurting themselves.
* Being willing to die for someone.
* Realizing that even though you actually can live without that person, you really don't want to.

Love isn't:
* Always a feeling. Sometimes you really don't like that person.
* Mushy, touchy-feely- and up each other's butt all the time.
* Like it is on TV.
* Always pretty.
* The feeling like you can't live without them. You can...

Most of my ideas on what love was and what it should look like have been shattered by actually loving. There are times that my husband and I drive each other completely and utterly crazy, to the point that we don't even want to be in the same room with each other. But even in that moment of extreme frustration and not wanting to see him... I'd still jump in front of a bullet. Its crazy, it doesn't make sense, its deeper than it was yesterday, and I expect it'll be deeper tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Best. Sound. Ever.

So yesterday I had my second doctor appointment. I don't know if I'm a weird pregnant lady or what, but the 4 weeks in between appointments are pretty much torture right now. I can't feel the baby move so I really have no idication that things are going right. All you have are indications that nothing went wrong... which aren't really all that reliable.

So yeah, I'm nervous before going to any appointment. I'm terrifed they won't find the heartbeat, that bad things will have happened and I didn't know. And most scary -- that I caused it. Its probably all the extra hormones making me crazy also...

But! The appointment was awesome. We got to hear the hearbeat, and its beautiful. I was so shocked I couldn't even cry. I just sat there, smiling with my eyes bugged out. But I cried all the way home. Oh yes, I did. I can't explain it, hearing that heartbeat kinda made things real. I mean, there are 2 heartbeats inside of me right now... mine and the baby's. And its been that way since the baby was about 4 weeks old. God is amazing.

Other than that, things are fantastic. The tests from the gallon of blood they took last time all turned out great, my blood pressure is wonderful, and I didn't gain any weight. So I have a total weight gain of 2 pounds. I hesitate to put that out there... but its part of the pregnancy, so I figured I'd share. :)

The baby is now the size of a fig. They always compare the size of the baby to fruit, which I find really strange.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Updating... because maybe someday people will read this...

Hello my non-readers!

Things are good with me. I'm now 10 week pregnant and trying to hang in there. I'm really looking forward to this supposed 2 trimester energy that I keep hearing about. Until then I guess I'll keep sleeping 9 hours a night and still be tired.

I'm really not fitting into my normal clothes anymore. Why is that? I'm all of 10 weeks pregnant and the baby is the size of a small orange (or something like that). It baffles my mind.

But! What a great time to be pregnant. Seriously! I mean, between gaucho pants (however you may feel about them) and the stretchy skirts I can find "normal" clothes that fit me everywhere. Its pretty nice.

Also? The bella band. Yeah, it may not stay in place all the time, but man... I'm wearing my normal clothes and I'm SO comfortable. Its a lifesaver. Now I don't have to run frantically and buy tons of maternity clothes. Especially because I've had offers from several people to share... ah, so there are perks to being one of the last people you hang out with to get pregnant.

Man... I gotta say. The boob growth is nice too. I've gone from an A to a C. (C!) Its crazy. But nice. I finally have cleavage! Woo!

So this was random. I promise to have a better formed entry in the future...

Friday, April 28, 2006

2 Random Thoughts

1. I just discovered Baby Ruth candy bars. I knew they existed, but I didn't know they were so GOOD! Oh man, please keep them away from me!

2. I obviously didn't think about the future, or that I'd get pregnant fast, when I named my blog and myself. Since I'm not adventuring in conception anymore... should I change the blog name? What do you guys think? Should I reveal my (secret) identity? Would you like to know my name?

(the funny thing is, all the people who read this (hi babycenter friends!) already know my name... but just in case there are other people out there)

Now is the time to comment. I need help people!

Hello, my name is Silently Hoping, and I?

Am a reality TV junkie.

No seriously its bad. And I don't even have CABLE.

(I'll let all who are shocked by the lack of cable recover. Better? okay, moving on).

My week consists of either trying very hard to watch the shows I love, or reading the updates online. Because I just can't go a day without knowing what happened last night. So here are a few of my favs and my views and predictions.

American Idol: Oh man, am I glad that Kellie Pickler is gone. Being from the south, I get really really annoyed at people thinking that everyone from the south a.) has a really thick accent, b.) is really stupid, or c.) all of the above. Thanks Kellie for maintaining the stereotype. But anyway... I LOVE Chris, Taylor, and Elliot. Amazing. But if I had to pick a top two I think it'll go between Chris and Katherine. Though I'm not sure if Taylor has ever been in the bottom 3... hmmm..

America's Next Top Model: WOW! its like a train wreck people! You can't look away. And it has the makings of the best drinking game ever... if you drank any time Tyra said "America's Next Top Model" alone you'd be drunker than a skunk in no time. Anyway. I really liked Nnenna at first, but she got old. Very very old. I actually like Jade. I think that Jade reminds Tyra too much of Naomi Campbell and it frightens her. But I think Joanie is a contender too... she's really shined lately.

Amazing Race: The one reality TV show I'd actually be on. If I could find a partner. Anyway. I'd love either the Hippies or MoJo to win. I know MoJo is annoying to some... but I like them for some reason. The frat boys... eh. I dont' know what it is, I just can't like them. Just can't. I was oh so sad that the older couple left (I so can't remember their names right now? Fran? Barry? what?). They were just so cute! And they worked well together.

American Inventor: (Have you noticed that most reality shows have "American" in them? what's that about). This show is okay. But for some reason I still watch it. I really liked the new bike the kid designed last night. I'd buy it.

Survivor: SO over it. Haven't watched it since All Star's. Done and done.

Supernanny: Jo is awesome. LOVE her. Love this show! Being a psychology major (grad school) and Elementary Education major (undergrad) I can say that her methods are spot on. ha... look at me using British terms. Unfortunately I don't get to watch her much because I have dance class on Mondays. But I'll be so catching up this summer. oh yes!

WifeSwap/Trading Spouses: I can't ever keep these two straight. But they are funny! FUNNY! I only watch if I'm channel surfing and I catch them on, because I can't seem to remember when they come on or what channel. But oh! That "Christian lady" who went all psycho? UGH! PLEASE PLEASE don't use her as an example of what Christians are like. Seriously? She scared me a bit. And we are NOT all like that. I promise.

So yeah, those are the shows I like. I don't get to watch them all every week... but they are awesome!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

1st Trimester Surprises

Or... things they DON'T tell you before you get knocked-up.

(hee... I've always wanted to use that term)

1. You will start peeing a lot very soon. A LOT. Like the people you walk past on the way to the bathroom will think you are crazy. As will your coworkers.

2. Public bathrooms are public enemy #1 when it comes to morning sickness.

3. Morning sickness does NOT only happen in the morning.

4. You will start to get fat early. No, its not the baby, but people will still rub your belly.

5. Your boobs will grow. A lot. And really, really fast. This causes stretch marks and itching.

6. You will lose all memory.

7. You will want to go to bed at 7pm because you are so exhausted. But when you do go to bed, you won't be able to fall asleep! FUN!

8. Your CM will increase, causing you to FREAK OUT that you are bleeding, in which you run to the bathroom, almost in tears.

9. Dr. Jeckell & Mr. Hyde? Those mood swings got NOTHING on you. You can now go from sobbing to "Oh that dress is so pretty on you" in 2.5 seconds.

10. The GAS! Oh my God, the GAS!

11. You will be terrified you will lose your baby. It will seem as if miscarriages are everywhere. Stupid, mean people will remind you that 1 out of ever 5 pregnancies fail.

12. But remember -- that means that 4 out of 5 are successful. I like those odds.

13. You will love your baby more than you thought it was possible to love someone you've never met, barely has a heartbeat, and looks like a tadpole.

PS -- btw, we did see a heartbeat at our April 17th appointment. It was at about 150 beats per minute. And that blob was the cutest thing I've ever seen.