Saturday, March 25, 2006

The 2 week wait

Okay, so the 2 week wait (2ww) will drive perfectly normal people completely insane. Between ovulating (which, I'm still SO excited about) and getting or not getting your period is this weird time of waiting and wondering. I tend to go between several different emotions during this time:

1. OMG, my boobs are sore! I'm pregnant! Yay!
2. Oh, cramps... af must be coming. Oh well.
3. Wait... don't cramps happen at the beginning too? Yay!
4. My progestrone level was low... its not likely I'm pregnant. Get over it!
5. La la la... oh wait... didn't I ovuate this month? YAY!

So yeah. I alternate between being just SURE I'm pregnant, because seriously? I WOULD know right? (go ahead.... laugh.... I'll wait.). And being so completely sure I'm NOT pregnant that I go out and buy boatloads of tampons and advil. And then there's the rare moments that I completely forget that I could be pregnant or that I'm even trying at all. These moments are precious. Finally, a time where I'm not worrying about what I'm doing, when the baby would be due, what that pain in my side could be... etc. And its pretty exciting when I remember that I might actually have a chance this month. :o)

So I went to the doctor's office for my last blood draw of this cycle. It is the HCG test to see if I'm pregnant. The nurse and I talked for awhile before she drew the blood and discussed my less than stellar results from the previous draws and my chart that I had brought in. She said that my estradiol level was fine since it was over 100 (not the original story, but whatever). But that they like to see the progestrone level at 11 or higher. Mine was 8.9. She assured me that this didn't mean I wouldn't get pregnant, but that it was less likely. They've seen people get pregnant with a level of 9 or 10, but just not very often. She said the reason she warned me about it being low was because she rather me be surprised with a positive test than a negative test. She then told me that it WILL happen. That is exactly what I needed to hear at that point. I almost cried; it was so relieving.

I should get my period (or not) sometime in the next couple of days. I'm 11 days past ovulation right now and usually your period comes at 14 days past ovulation or so (or around Tuesday). I can call Monday and get the results of my blood test. I'm kinda expecting a negative right now... but we'll see what the next 30 minutes hold in store.

Friday, March 17, 2006

All hail clomid!

Its finally happened! I OVULATED! Woo! I finally got to see those pretty, pretty red lines on fertility friend. I'm so excited.

So, my goal for this cycle has been fulfilled. It feels pretty awesome.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Oh yeah... test results

How in the world could I have forgotten to write about my test results?

Well, the first blood draw was for estradiol. Apparently this needs to be pretty high so that ovulation will occur (or something like that). Mine was about 130-ish (or 160-ish, I forget). My doctors office likes it to be above 200. That means 2 things -- ovulation is unlikely (but not impossible) and they'll give me a larger dose of clomid on the next cycle.

However, the internet (oh plethora of infertility information that it is) says that the estradiol level only needs to be above 100. So I'm not sure who to believe. Google hasn't failed me yet, though.

But I guess this one isn't completely a bust, because I asked the nurse if she wanted me to not come in for the ovulation draw and if we needed to stick to our intercourse schedule. She said to keep everything as previously planned and we'll see what happens.

And several things point me to the fact that I might have ovulated. 1. My temp has been high for 2 days. 2. My temp is higher than its ever been (except when I took provera). 3. My cm has dried up. Its never done that before. Really.

So I'm waiting until tomorrow to see for sure. Not only do I go in for a blood draw to confirm or deny ovulation, but it would be my third high temp in a row. My body has tricked me before... giving me two high temps in a row and then plummeting. But they've never been this high before... Oh, and my nipples are so sore. This has only happened once before, and it was a cycle in which I got my period (which means I ovluated). So that's hopeful (but painful! My God!).

I'm cautiously optimistic. I'd LOVE to become pregnant this cycle. But more than anything? I'd just like to ovulate.

Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Control Freaks Anonymous

Hello, my name is SilentlyHoping. And I'm a control freak.

Yeah, so I know that's not much of a shock for some of you. But for some reason, I'm constantly surprised by this fact.

And my controlling ways are really starting to get in the way of my happiness. I want to plan everything. But yet I love surprises (God, what a contradiction). If I'm so busy planning, not only am I never surprised by anything that every happens, but I forget to enjoy LIFE.

That, and, as life would have it, you can't plan everything. It just doesn't happen that way. If I had my way, things would be much different right now. I'd have a baby by now. But you don't alway get what you want, right? Right. But that doesn't make it any easier to digest sometimes.

There are times when my wanting to control everything actually keeps me from making a decision. Beacuse I can't control every variable. What if start teaching again and I get pregnant? Could I still stay home with the baby? What if I don't LIKE doing teaching? I can drive myself (and everyone else) crazy with the "what ifs".

That and... I really want to control what people think of me. *gasp* I mean, I want to go back into teaching. But I'm a "smart" person, and what about the whole, "if you can't, teach"? ugh... and I want to teach Pre-K! I mean... how not intellectually stimulating is that? But the truth is... I really like 4-year-olds. I think I AM a 4-year-old. Its fun to me to play blocks, read books, and teach them things.

I was reminded of a quote today. From "The Purpose Driven Life"

"When you are doing what you love to do, no one has to motivate you!"

Yeah. I'm so busy controlling stuff, that I'm not doing what I love to do. And I'm having a hard time motivating myself. So its time to let go.

And let God.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Aha! Two posts in one day

Aren't you so lucky?

Okay, so what's going on in the trying to conceive front? Yeah, I haven't talked much about that, because man... its boring to wait to ovulate!

I took my clomid cycle days 5-9. It went okay, actually. A lot better than I expected. So now I'm just waiting to ovlate. I'm CD 15, and according to my cm, I'm really close. But that's been known to confuse me before, so I'm trying not to read too much into it.

I've been feeling a lot more twinges and pains in my ovary area. I haven't felt some of these before. So, even if I don't ovulate this month, I feel pretty confident that the clomid is doing something.

I've decided that my goal for this month is not to get pregnant. Its just to ovulate. I mean, if I do get pregnant, I'd be so excited. But I'm trying to keep an open mind, because the odds of getting pregnant on the first try (even if you aren't on fertility drugs) is very low. And since I haven't ovulated yet in this process, I'd really love to see some ovulation!

I went on Friday for my first round of blood work. They had to poke me FOUR times in order to get one ml of blood. My veins suck. :o) This is the one that's supposed to see if I'm getting ready to ovulate. I'll get the results today and I'm just hoping for some good news.

So... I'm just waiting for some sign of that ovulation occured! That would just make my week.

A day in the life

Or... Reasons why I'm looking for a new job.

5:30am: Wake up. Realize its a work day. Try not to cry. Snooze alarm.

6:30am: CRAAAPPP!!!

6:30am - 7:30am: Shower, dress, get ready for work. All around panic.

7:30am - 8:30am: Drive one hour to work. Curse school buses and little old ladies on the way. Speed. Try not to get a ticket.

8:30am: Try to sneak in the office because I'm late (again).

8:30am - 12:00pm: Sit in office. Look at lots of numbers in excel spreadsheets. Myspace. SPSS. Basically, no interaction to the outside world.

12:00pm: LUNCH! Oh wait. Office of introverted people and I'm cheap. huh. Sit at desk and eat soup.

1:00pm - 5:00pm: (see 8:30am - 12:00pm time slot)

5:00pm - LEAVE WORK! Woo... oh wait. hour drive...

5:00 - 6:30pm - hour drive usually turns into hour and a half. More cursing. Turning radio up too loudly. Getting angry at the person who just cut me off, etc. (Anyone seen the 1st part of "Office Space". Yep... my drive home).

6:30pm - Oh crap. nothing to eat. Find something for dinner.

8:00ish - bedtime: Talk my husband's ear off because! Finally! Real! Live! People! And I NEED some INTERACTION! Talk to me now!

Bedtime: Husband gets tired of incessent talking and goes to bed. Having no one but the dog to talk to ... I sleep too.

Rinse and repeat.

So yeah. job sucks. Having your own office is cool, but sucks majorly if you are an extroverted person in an introverted job. So, I'm looking for something new. And trying not to go crazy in the process. It looks like no matter what, July 3 will be my last day on the job. I'm just trying to hold on!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Post every day? Ha!

I had such high hopes to write a new post at least every other day. And now? Yeah, its been a week since my last post. I can blame some of it on the fact that I've been extrememly busy. But mostly? I kinda forget I have a blog! Ha!

So yeah. Work. Crazy. Its driving me insane. Basically I'm working in a field that's completely opposite of my natural aptitudes. And so its very exhausting! I've worked here for about a year and a half, and I'm just done! Plus, I'm working on my thesis, so after a long day at work, I have to come home and concetrate on researching. Its just too much.

So I'm looking for a new job. I always thought I didn't have to worry about being in this line of work because I was going to have a baby soon and it didn't matter because I want to be a stay at home mom. But... we all know how that turned out. I'm still trying to have high hopes for this clomid round. But you never know.

I think it'll take me several months to find a new job. I want to find something else in Higher Education (which always takes forever to get highered) or I want to go back into teaching. And since its already March... well, I'd have to wait until next year. And no one has their expected positions posted yet. It usually happens more around the end of March, beginning of April, so I guess I could just be patient! haha. :) If I went back into teaching, I'd hope to get a Pre-K or K placement because I just LOVE that age group. 4 and 5 year olds are just so much fun! They are always exploring. But anyway. In the meantime, I'm working on my resume, and trying to contact people to use as references. I'm terrible at keeping up with people's new phone numbers!

So I'm now CD 10. I took clomid CD 5-9. I didn't have many adverse side effects, so that was good. I had a couple of hot flashes and a headache or two. Oh, and the first day I was kinda dizzy, but that went away. I go in on March 10, 17, & 24 to do blood work and make sure everything is okay. So I'm (kinda) looking forward to seeing what's going on! I SO hope I ovulate.

My husband had to have a seman analysis. Turned out to be "average". Not sure exactly what it means, because we didn't get all the numbers. We're going to see what this cycles has in store for us and then make some decisions.

I guess that's about it right now. Just looking for a job and trying to hang in there at my current job. blah...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Wow... I can't believe its March

So yeah... time has surely been getting away from me lately! I wasn't able to access the internet when I was away at my work conference, and then there's always the obligatory panic and catch-up that always ensues after any time you are away from the office. So needless to say its been busy. And I haven't been working on my thesis much so that's been really stressful. yuck!

So I took my last provera pill on Sunday and my period came on Monday. Its the second time that provera has worked that well for me so that's exciting! I'll start my first clomid round on Friday. I then go in the next 3 Fridays in a row to have different blood tests run. If all goes well, I'll find out if I'm pregnant on March 24th. My hubby will be out of town, so hopefully he'll get a nice surprise when he gets back. I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm hoping that since the provera worked so well, that the clomid will work well also. I've heard both good and bad stories surrounding clomid. I know ladies that got pregnant on the first or second try and other ladies for whom it did nothing. So I'm not sure what to expect. I guess the best thing would be to just expect nothing, right?

So ladies who got pregnant the month I started trying to conceive are having their babies. So that's been kinda hard. I've struggled a lot with the fact that none of this has happened the way I imagined. I always expected to try, wait two weeks and test with the hopes of seeing those pink lines. I don't want my doctor to call and give me the good or bad news. I guess I could always test the day I go in for the blood work... at least then if its a negative I'll be braced.

So the next few weeks are going to be pretty exciting... but scary at the same time. I'm so excited to actually get to try to have a baby. But I'm terrified that its not going to work.

Wish me luck and baby dust!