Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Control Freaks Anonymous

Hello, my name is SilentlyHoping. And I'm a control freak.

Yeah, so I know that's not much of a shock for some of you. But for some reason, I'm constantly surprised by this fact.

And my controlling ways are really starting to get in the way of my happiness. I want to plan everything. But yet I love surprises (God, what a contradiction). If I'm so busy planning, not only am I never surprised by anything that every happens, but I forget to enjoy LIFE.

That, and, as life would have it, you can't plan everything. It just doesn't happen that way. If I had my way, things would be much different right now. I'd have a baby by now. But you don't alway get what you want, right? Right. But that doesn't make it any easier to digest sometimes.

There are times when my wanting to control everything actually keeps me from making a decision. Beacuse I can't control every variable. What if start teaching again and I get pregnant? Could I still stay home with the baby? What if I don't LIKE doing teaching? I can drive myself (and everyone else) crazy with the "what ifs".

That and... I really want to control what people think of me. *gasp* I mean, I want to go back into teaching. But I'm a "smart" person, and what about the whole, "if you can't, teach"? ugh... and I want to teach Pre-K! I mean... how not intellectually stimulating is that? But the truth is... I really like 4-year-olds. I think I AM a 4-year-old. Its fun to me to play blocks, read books, and teach them things.

I was reminded of a quote today. From "The Purpose Driven Life"

"When you are doing what you love to do, no one has to motivate you!"

Yeah. I'm so busy controlling stuff, that I'm not doing what I love to do. And I'm having a hard time motivating myself. So its time to let go.

And let God.

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